erase/rewind

over the last couple of weeks, i swear i’ve opened up my blog composer at least 50 times, only to pen out one line, then decide to delete it five minutes later.

my words seemed stale, and on some occasions, close to even nausea inducing. the very last of my vices that to no extent jeopardized my health or finances, found a way to do something beyond numbing, beyond relieving; it silenced me.

the first few times i striked it off as writer’s block. afterall since getting into the blogsphere for the 9876521568th time after yet anoter hiatus last year, i made a pledge to myself that this space would be my soul’s voice because sometimes, for reasons unknown, the words in my head coupled with the emotions rolling around in my heart, never seemed to find their way out of my mouth, no matter how bad they tried. i wasn’t going to turn it into a billboard or catalogue containing the nonsensical ramblings of a teeny bopper whose life revolved around trivial things. this was going to be my canvas; painted with every shade of grey on the low days, and accented with hints of pink for the good ones.

then the act of me only getting as far as typing out a title became more occurent. i knew somewhere in the back of my head, that at the rate my life’s been going, there really wasn’t much to talk about anyway, and any attempt to do so would just mean me being redundant.

so i ignored the thoughts i fear most; the ones of me slowly, but inevitably becoming exactly what i’ve never wanted to become – hollow.

but i think its finally happened.

i’ve run out of things to say, ways to feel, reasons to keep going.

it happens i suppose, to the best of us, but until some sort of change comes along, i think i’m going to pull the curtains down on this one for the time being.

Protected: bizarre love triangle

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

almost lover

she smoothened the creases of her dress, the feel of the soft satin sending little shivers down her spine, took a deep breath and opened her eyes.

the giant mahogany teak doors were pulled opened. she stepped forward, and immediately a sea of smiles greeted her. her eyes wandered through the aisles. she saw the faces, recognized most if not all of them. slowly she made her way forward. her steps were slow and graceful, almost as if she was waltzing discreetly to the sound of the quartet that filled the room.

the warmth of the sun’s rays fell upon her. her dark hair glistening, her big brown eyes twinkling like a little girl trick or treating on halloween.

this was it, the moment she had always dreamed of. the fairytale she had always wanted to come true.

there he was; standing, at what seemed like an incomprehensible amount of distance, tall and strong; waiting.

their eyes met, and almost as if they had all happened the day before, random familiar images of the both of them filled her mind. from their skype sessions, to their afternoon coffee chats, sushi dinners and movie marathons, she remembered them all. she kept them all, each separately tucked away in a little treasure chest only she had the key to.

she thought of how handsome he looked, standing at the altar, his sleek coal suit, his hair swept back, a half sneaky grin plastered across his face and compared it, if only for a moment to when they had first met. at thirteen, she had thought he was the most gorgeous and amazing boy she knew, now at thirty there was no doubt in her mind that he was. 

she edged closer to him, her heart racing so fast and hard, she was almost certain it drowned out the sound of the violins. there were thoughts floating around so frantically in her head, she had to bite her tongue to keep them in.

she took in a breath.

let out a soft sigh, and as if she were letting her grip go off the edge, she pulled her eyes away from his and stepped to the side to make way for his bride; for the rest of his life.

 

  

dare you to move

i figured, if i was going to break out of the emotional shell i chose to cocoon myself up in anytime soon, the only way to do it was to go at it full swing; no second thoughts; no doubts; no hesitations.

and so i went at it.

i pushed all the emotional baggage down – as far down as i could, i plastered on the most authentic genuine looking smile, practised at sounding the most OK i’ve sounded in awhile and put myself out there again.

it felt awkward at first. as though, all of a sudden, i was a complete stranger in my own home. the weight of all the eyes staring straight at me actually felt heavy for the very first time; the sound of random people coming up to me, asking me all the sorts of questions i was in the very first place trying to elude, left this echo in my head. 

everything and everyone seemed to be moving all around me – back and forth, up and down – and there i was, frozen in the middle, amidst time, feeling as if i was caught smack centre in this whirlwind of change.

so i succumbed again, and put myself right back where no one could see me. where there was no need for pretence and all this plasticity. where i didn’t and wouldn’t have to conjure up lie after lie and ribbon-wrap it up as the truth. after all, even my sugar-coating skills were starting to become embarrassingly amateur from the intense overuse of it.

but something just didn’t feel like it was in it’s place even with me going back into hiding. and that frustrated me. i didn’t want to be numb or sedated anymore, let alone sad and depressed. i was tired of it. instead i yearned to be that deliriously carefree undergrad i was two years ago whose homecoming breaks were almost euphoria inducing and brought around this unexplainable sense of giddiness the second she hit the tarmac.

i guess it’s taking me longer than i thought it would to get used to the fact that there’s one person less living in this house now.

it may be just one extra empty sitting at the table, a little less noisy, one less person in the car, to watch tv with, to argue with and have around to talk to, but it adds up in the end – the fact that daddy doesn’t live here anymore is something that hasn’t fully settled itself in my mind yet. i still think sometimes that he’s away on business, that he’ll be back in a few days. but that isn’t it.

there have been moments where i’ve actually stopped to consider the possibility of me being borderline bipolar. as crazy as it seems. one minute i’m ok, in tuned, the next, i’m spaced out, and then upset and annoyed.

and i can’t remember ever being like that in the past. i can’t remember taking this long to heal, to get over something.

i can’t ever remember feeling this broken.

2AM

 

before and after his 2AM vanilla fudge sundae. hahahahaha ass.

the verbal minimalist

for the first time in absolutely ever, i have become aphonic.

the feeling of being this inarticulate is frustrating – as if to some extent, my mind has become constipated verbally.

there are a million thoughts i have, each almost trying to desperately squeeze its way out of the empty, echoey void that has become of my mind. but, the attempts i make are pointless and leave me exasperated either way.

words have power. if there is anything i hold a strong belief to, it is that words hold power – to uplift and destroy; to simplify and complicate; to soothe and to heal.

still, at this point in time, i just don’t feel like saying much because, every time i open my mouth to speak, i hear myself saying something i remember saying a thousand times before. and i hate repetitiveness. i hate redundance. i hate monotony.

most of all, i hate that this is exactly what’s happening.

i’m trying to keep the over dramatic air at a minimal. i’m trying to stop myself from breaking into a sobbing finger-pointing mess. i’m trying to deal – desperately trying to deal here.

so if i want to isolate myself from the rest of the outside world for a bit by not going out, or seeing anyone or speaking to anyone, please just let me bloody well be. its not as if anything i say registers anyway, and i’m really in no mood to constantly be answering the same hi, how are you, you’re back, what happened questions over and over again right now, because truth betold, i am just as in the dark as everyone else when it comes to this fairytale turn tragedy bullshit we are all forcefully facing today.

 

strangers i wish i could disengage

maybe mistakes are what make our fate. without them what would shape our lives? maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn’t fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. after all, things change, so do cities, and lives. people come into your life and they go. but i suppose, it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart, and if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.

in all fairness

i suppose its safe to say that i couldn’t have expected all this bitterness to subside over night. this is, well, was the rest of my life that was at stake. and eventhough there’s a chance that things might start to up a little with time, the point is, now i am numb; i’ve morphed into this angry, cold being that doesn’t want to do anything, or go anywhere, eat, sleep or speak.

every action, every sentence feels like too much work and a complete waste of time, despite me having an abundance of that at the moment.

i can feel all this anger and frustration just boil inside me; as if i’m about to explode at any given point. i have all these questions running through my head – all of which i’d like answers to, but at the same time, just can’t be bothered to confront anymore.

it’s overwhelming all of this. i find myself sinking deeper and deeper into this blackhole, yet i don’t seem to want to do anything about it. maybe it’s because i’m not exactly sure what i should be doing about it.

people keep telling me to let go, and god only knows how much i want to. i want my life back ya’know – the one that made sense, the one that didn’t hurt to live. the one i was pretty good at living.

my biggest fear is that by the time all of this goes away, i would’ve lost myself completely.

 

stop and stare

Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re here not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need

i’m home.

maybe later

Hey God,

I hate that I have to say this, but I think its time i called it quits. No, no, don’t worry – circumstances are such that I can’t slit myself silly or permanently pass out on pills even if I wanted to. My life is wired in such a way that for everything I do, someone else holds liability for it, and as much as i seriously feel like rolling over certain people at times (like when they mess up my brand new dress in the laundry), i can’t bring myself to intentionally subject them to such extreme measures, ya’know.

I think though, i am just tired beyond reason at this point, God. i tried, ya’know – seriously tried- to hold it together, and ride it out, and keep the glass even the slightest bit filled to say the least when there was absolutely nothing within my reach to fill it with. But, it just never ever got any easier for me. It never stopped. And everyday, after every step forward i make, something or someone comes along and says or does something that just breaks another piece of my heart; that pushes me three steps back.

I am extremely tired of putting myself back together day in and day out. I am worn out beyond measure; and I am just absolutely and completely done with dealin’, God. I just can’t do it anymore. Not when I’m constantly being labeled selfish and self-centred everytime I decide that maybe, just maybe i’d like to take matters in my own hands just this once and call the shots on my life; not when I’m always getting into the kind of trouble or situations even fugitives seem to stay out off. Not when I cry myself to sleep every damn night because I am fully and very consciously aware that there are a few people out there, looking at the exact same starlit-velvet sky as I am, feeling like their lives have turned into this absolute nightmare they can’t wake up from and especially not when i get dirt thrown right back in my face after all the efforts I take to let them know that I’m right there with them, that I will do everything within my power to stay and just sit silently with them if that’s what they wanted – that i would put my life on hold for them so they could move on with theirs.

I just can’t do it anymore.

I can’t care anymore. About anything. I can’t feel. And I can’t cry. But I think more than anything else, God, I can’t hope anymore.

I can’t hope that things get better; or that people change, or that my life straightens out anytime soon. i can’t be bothered if people start hatin’ on me even more now because they see that I just don’t care anymore.

I don’t care if she remarries and starts poppin’ out instant baby cabaret dancers in bulk. I don’t care if he doesn’t ever unpack his clothes and still thinks I’m this naïve, spoilt little brat who only wants the world to work her way - when all she actually wants is just one damn lousy thing, God; for the people she loves, she’d die for, to never never ever feel…alone.

that’s it.

nothing more.

So, I’m done caring. I’m not going to try and kill myself because that would be way to much work and at this point, I just don’t have much of anything left in me to even suss out all of those details.

I am just going to float in and out of my days, emotionless, my mind blank, and my attention fully focused on absolutely nothing at all.

I know you may be thinking this is real selfish and ungrateful of me, Big G; especially after every one of those things and people you put into my life that actually made me…happy. This isn’t you ok. Its all me.

If I could just…if you could just do me one last favour though, I know you’ve got starving kids to feed, and wars to stop, and evil people to do reverse-psycho on, but if you could just make sure that the next couple of names below always always find something that keeps their spirit alive so they don’t end up like me, i will forever be grateful.

Daddy. i need you to make sure that he’s alright every single minute of every day, ok?

Mel and the boys; Jaq, Sue, Sean, Jon and Tan, Nikki, and all of the Mojay-jays because they’ve been there from the start and haven’t failed me even in my lowest hour.

Tante Emma and Auntie Norma because they’ve never let go of our hands.

Ammuma, God, please be with her always. 

And I know this may come as a shock to you, but…Russell as well. I know you, of all people, don’t need any explanations for this one, God, but I hope he finds peace one day.

Yaya and Divs, and Miha and Sheemi because they always somehow find the right things to say to make the pain go away.

And Lyn and Aya for being around to just listen, when no one else was.

For Lionel, God; i want so much for him to keep on going because i believe he has it in him.

Jay and How, who both are trying to defy limits. keep an eye out for them, ok?

Lastly God, there’s Mum. Even if she never realizes the depths to which she broke this family’s heart, please always let her spirit soar. Because through it God, I know there will be at least one other one that finds and keeps the will to live.

And that’s pretty much all I’ve been trying to do.

Thanks a mill.

S.