i figured, if i was going to break out of the emotional shell i chose to cocoon myself up in anytime soon, the only way to do it was to go at it full swing; no second thoughts; no doubts; no hesitations.
and so i went at it.
i pushed all the emotional baggage down – as far down as i could, i plastered on the most authentic genuine looking smile, practised at sounding the most OK i’ve sounded in awhile and put myself out there again.
it felt awkward at first. as though, all of a sudden, i was a complete stranger in my own home. the weight of all the eyes staring straight at me actually felt heavy for the very first time; the sound of random people coming up to me, asking me all the sorts of questions i was in the very first place trying to elude, left this echo in my head.
everything and everyone seemed to be moving all around me – back and forth, up and down – and there i was, frozen in the middle, amidst time, feeling as if i was caught smack centre in this whirlwind of change.
so i succumbed again, and put myself right back where no one could see me. where there was no need for pretence and all this plasticity. where i didn’t and wouldn’t have to conjure up lie after lie and ribbon-wrap it up as the truth. after all, even my sugar-coating skills were starting to become embarrassingly amateur from the intense overuse of it.
but something just didn’t feel like it was in it’s place even with me going back into hiding. and that frustrated me. i didn’t want to be numb or sedated anymore, let alone sad and depressed. i was tired of it. instead i yearned to be that deliriously carefree undergrad i was two years ago whose homecoming breaks were almost euphoria inducing and brought around this unexplainable sense of giddiness the second she hit the tarmac.
i guess it’s taking me longer than i thought it would to get used to the fact that there’s one person less living in this house now.
it may be just one extra empty sitting at the table, a little less noisy, one less person in the car, to watch tv with, to argue with and have around to talk to, but it adds up in the end – the fact that daddy doesn’t live here anymore is something that hasn’t fully settled itself in my mind yet. i still think sometimes that he’s away on business, that he’ll be back in a few days. but that isn’t it.
there have been moments where i’ve actually stopped to consider the possibility of me being borderline bipolar. as crazy as it seems. one minute i’m ok, in tuned, the next, i’m spaced out, and then upset and annoyed.
and i can’t remember ever being like that in the past. i can’t remember taking this long to heal, to get over something.
i can’t ever remember feeling this broken.
